Warning: Declaration of thesis_comment::start_lvl(&$output, $depth, $args) should be compatible with Walker::start_lvl(&$output, $depth = 0, $args = Array) in /home/daniel72/public_html/jeremyturkin.com/wp-content/themes/thesis_181/lib/classes/comments.php on line 155

Warning: Declaration of thesis_comment::end_lvl(&$output, $depth, $args) should be compatible with Walker::end_lvl(&$output, $depth = 0, $args = Array) in /home/daniel72/public_html/jeremyturkin.com/wp-content/themes/thesis_181/lib/classes/comments.php on line 155

Warning: Declaration of thesis_comment::start_el(&$output, $comment, $depth, $args) should be compatible with Walker::start_el(&$output, $object, $depth = 0, $args = Array, $current_object_id = 0) in /home/daniel72/public_html/jeremyturkin.com/wp-content/themes/thesis_181/lib/classes/comments.php on line 155

Warning: Declaration of thesis_comment::end_el(&$output, $comment, $depth, $args) should be compatible with Walker::end_el(&$output, $object, $depth = 0, $args = Array) in /home/daniel72/public_html/jeremyturkin.com/wp-content/themes/thesis_181/lib/classes/comments.php on line 155
Cure for Swollen Gums: Inner Truth and Peyote

Cure for Swollen Gums: Inner Truth and Peyote

by jturkin on December 30, 2010

I woke up this morning with the side of my mouth swollen. It was my gums. It was bad.

Ambling about  my fiancee’s house, I kept the balloon in my cheek hidden. Somehow, even after multiple conversations with her father, Rocky Dennis managed to escape  undiscovered.

I took my fiancee to the train, and my left side being the swollen side, I insisted on driving. We even went into a 7-11. She didn’t suspect a thing. She was so wrapped up in paying with exact change for her Arizona R-X Energy drink, she saw nothing. We hugged, and parted ways.

Now, I’m not embarrassed of it, I just don’t want anyone to make a big stink over how big my face is right now. If anyone becomes aware of it, I’ll just say I found a mint, and have it tucked away in the pocket of my cheek. To which they’ll probably respond, how many mints do you have in there?

I took to the internet and found a great site for natural home remedies. Now, I have nothing against the site, but I feel like their suggestions might be a little too “natural” for any rational urban-dweller.

“Ignite a small twig of the sheesham tree…” What? Come on, Dances-with-Wolves. I’m not lost on a deserted island, I’m hiding inside my medicine cabinet. Give me something I can work with, here! I don’t need to make a ghetto peace-pipe, my gums are swollen.

“Take 50 grams of the essence of the rose flower…” again, WHAT? The essence of a rose? And do what with it? Apply it through a loophole in the aura of my soul?

“Prepare a decoction of the bark of the abul tree (acacia arabica)…” And now, let’s prepare for the quickening by indoctrinating our avatars.

“Collect some leaves of the mehandi plant (henna, Lawsonia inermis)…” I didn’t realize I asked a Shaman for help on my Vision Quest. Now, where’s my peyote?

“take some oil of castor seeds and mix it in camphor…” Raise your hand if you know what either of those are… Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

“Roast some ajwain (Bishop’s weed) in an open pan.” Next time I’m high playing chess, I’ll probably understand what Bishop’s weed is, but until then…

“Prepare a powder of alum by grinding it in a crucible.” Crazy f-ing alchemists! What are you talking about?

I think there were more, but these were the best ones. I came in looking for a solution for my gums, and I leave confused, with a subpar blog post.

I guess this is what I deserve for going to a site that advertises St. Botanica’s Vagina Tightening Cream.

Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: