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30 new uses for phonebooks

30 new uses for phonebooks

by jturkin on December 28, 2010

Seeing how my family receives upwards of six to ten phonebooks a year, I’ve compiled a list of alternatives uses for said obsolete bibles. (read: green alternatives to waste).

  1. Fire wood for homeless people
  2. Materials for a paper airplane Air Force
  3. Bulletproof chest protector
  4. Booster seat for people with a perfectly shaped 8.5” x 11” buttocks
  5. Umbrella hat
  6. Short-range swords for a two-handed, close-combat sword fight
  7. Vertical punching bag (great practice for attacking zombie dogs)
  8. Target practice
  9. Training for multi-assailant Ninja attack
  10. Immigrant pillow
  11. Building a raft ($20 to the first person who takes it out to the middle of Lake Michigan – payment receivable upon return/survival)
  12. Elbow-pads and Kneepads for downhill rollerblading
  13. Goalie pads
  14. Rolling your own cigarettes (the ink makes for that great smokey-wordsy taste)
  15. Hobo underwear
  16. Unlimited ammunition for spitball Army
  17. Kitty Litter
  18. Reinforcing your Roof
  19. Poorman’s trampoline (also doubles as acrophobic’s trampoline… that means he’s scared of heights)
  20. Jewish wrapping paper
  21. Toilet paper
  22. Toilet book (spread it, set it, fold it, close it) – one-time use only
  23. Materials for fire-proof pajamas (the perfect solution for dreams of fire)
  24. Bathing suit! (try it! Try it!)
  25. Adult diapers
  26. Weights for working out
  27. Fan for cooling off
  28. Assaulting purse-snatchers (does not work if phonebook is in purse)
  29. Carb-conscious alternative to lettuce-wrap
  30. Great for angling a skateboard ramp (may not hold after zero tries)


Dear Earth,

You’re welcome.

-Jer-annosaurus Rex

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